Revising My Hometown Paragraph: An Example

Part of your homework is to rewrite your hometown and summer paragraphs. Even teachers can do a better job if they revise! Let's look at the example paragraph and fix it!

1. TOPIC SENTENCE and CONTROLLING IDEA         

Here the topic is "Lake Geneva" and the controlling idea is "beautiful." Is this a good controlling idea for the whole paragraph? 

        My hometown, Lake Geneva, is a beautiful place. Lake Geneva is in southern Wisconsin in the United States. It’s a small town with only about 5,000 residents. However, in the summer Lake Geneva is very crowded and full of tourists. People come to see our lake. The lake is very beautiful, clear and it’s fairly big. It’s a good lake for swimming, boating or doing other water sports. In the fall, winter and spring, Lake Geneva is more peaceful. It’s nice to take a walk to the lake. In the winter sometimes it is so quiet that you can hear the snow fall. I really miss my hometown!

Maybe it's not. Let's change the topic sentence. In the paragraph I describe Lake Geneva as: small, crowded, beautiful and peaceful. That's a lot of different ideas! It would be hard to add them all to one topic sentence. What can I do instead?

A.  I could make a general topic sentence: "I really like my hometown, Lake Geneva" or "Lake Geneva is a great place." Since every sentence is positive, that would be okay. 

B. I could think about how my paragraph is organized. I talk about Lake Geneva in the summer, fall, winter and spring. How about this, then?: "My hometown, Lake Geneva, is a great place to visit in every season." We could also use the more common collocation "year-round." "My hometown, Lake Geneva, is a great place to visit year-round." 

2. ADDING DETAILS

Now that I have a new topic sentence, I should add details. Thankfully, many students asked me follow-up questions about my hometown, so I can answer some of them in my writing. Here are some questions and answers:

How expensive is it? - it is cheaper than other parts of the U.S.

Can you fish there? What kinds of fish do people catch? - Yes, fishing is popular. Bass, trout... 

What is Lake Geneva's famous food? - bratwurst, cheese, fish fry  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bratwurst

I will add some of these details to my paragraph now. I don't need to use all the answers to the follow-up questions. I should choose details that match my controlling idea. 

3. CHANGE ONE THING, CHANGE OTHER THINGS.

Remember, when you change one thing, you may need to change other things. You might add transition signals: First, second, finally... You might take out a sentence that doesn't match or change a word. 

FINAL REVISION!!!!

         My hometown, Lake Geneva, is a great place to visit year-round. Lake Geneva is in southern Wisconsin in the United States. It’s a small town with only about 5,000 residents. However, in the summer Lake Geneva is very crowded and full of tourists. People come to see our lake. The lake is very beautiful and clear, and it’s fairly big. It’s a good lake for swimming, boating or doing other water sports. It's also a good place to catch fish. People catch bass and trout in the lake. In the fall and spring, Lake Geneva is more peaceful. It’s nice to take a walk to the lake. You can also enjoy some popular Wisconsin foods, such as bratwurst or cheese. Bratwurst is a kind of sausage, originally from Germany. In the spring you can also eat maple syrup fresh from the tree at the Maple Syrup Festival. In the winter, you can ski, snowboard or sled in Lake Geneva, but there aren't many visitors. The town can be very quiet. Sometimes it is so quiet that you can hear the snow fall. I really miss my hometown, and I hope I can visit again soon. 

My brother, Thomas "Ishtar" Howell, in front of the fountain at the Riviera, a popular meeting place in town.